Whatcha Thinkin'?

When I am asked what I'm thinking, my first reaction is to say, "Nothing," and shake my head and hope the question goes away. It never does. I want to truly believe that I am in actuality thinking of nothing at all. But I never am. I have to acknowledge that I am in the moment surrounding me and give it credence by admitting to my thoughts.

Sometimes I think my thoughts are stupid, foolish, even monotonous, of interest to no one and about nothing. I might be thinking that this peanut butter cookie is too crunchy, or I might lament the gaping hole where my tooth used to sit and help me to chew. I might be feeling, along with thinking, feelings like guilt: should I really be eating this cookie after having that candy bar this afternoon? And then the feeling of guilt that arose from the thought about the cookie leads to a deeper thought: Why DID I choose sugar today, not once, but twice, after losing 8 pounds so recently? Is this about self-sabotage? Comfort? A feeling of a lack of "home"?

Ah. There we go. The root of the issue, and all caused by a thought, including a thought about the roots of a tooth that no longer exists.

No wonder I want to say I am thinking nothing, and want to believe that is true. There is a big empty spot in my heart that wants to lay down roots.

But not here.